10 Predictions for 2010

I know everything. All of the following WILL happen this year. If you want it, it will come.

1) Bob Rae will walk on water
2) Ujjal Dosangh will be knighted by the Queen
3) Hugo Chavez will win the Nobel Peace Prize
4) Iran will conquer Iraq
5) Karl Marx will rise from the dead to take his rightful place at the throne of the UN
6) Al Gore will land on the moon without the assistance of a space craft
7) Evan Soloman will win a Pulitzer
8) Michael Moore will figure out how to turn water into wine
9) Obama will transform Earth into Heaven
10) I will mate with Nancy Pelosi, fingers crossed

Outraged!

I am outraged! I am furious at the Government of Canada. I'm not really sure why I am outraged, I just know that when I see my Xena Warrior Princess Libby Davies rocking those lips of fury, it signals to me that I too should be outraged. Ralph Goodale is right, our Government is pissing all over our Democracy! At the same time, I have to muzzle some of my discontent because I strongly believe that all citizens of this country have the unalienable right to get paid not to work, whether they earn it or not. I can't slam the government for not going to work when I myself am fighting for my right to get paid not to work.

But, what I am furious about is that I will not be able to see Bob Rae and Ujjal Dosangh on the floor of the House of Commons accusing our troops of war crimes and the government of being complicit in it. I want everyone around the world to know that we knowingly violated the Geneva Conventions, and I want them to watch it every single day on the CBC when they are staying at a Holiday Inn Express during the Olympics. We need to free all criminals of war, and I am saying that as an expert in warfare.

No more planes

Please, can we finally scrap air travel? It is bad enough that we as a global community engage in international trade, why must we condone international travel? Nobody should ever have to go anywhere. All goods should be produced where they are consumed, and flying in the sky is an elite behavior that encourages the pursuit of wealth. Wealth must not exist, otherwise people will yearn for it. We should end wealth, end air travel, and live off of the land in a Utopian animal farm. People should not be permitted to dream a better dream, and flying from one point in the world to another only encourages them.

Best we ban air travel all together.

All I want for Christmas is Heaven on Earth

Listen people, all I want for Christmas, other than free rent, is to end poverty and bring Heaven to Earth. Poverty leads to crime, and therefor my war on success has the most noble of intentions. We must put limits on achievement, and reward failure if we are to make this planet perfect. Having no money creates crime. Then again, having money corrupts and leads to crime. Yikes, I have contradicted myself. Having no money leads to crime, and having money leads to crime, therefor we must find a healthy equilibrium between success and poverty. $30,000 a year sound about right? Nobody should be allowed to make more than that, and every man woman and child should be guaranteed at least that. Enough money that they need not resort to crime, but not so much money that they are corrupted into criminality.

That's what I want for Christmas.

Silence Dissent

I just returned home from the local shopping mall, where I was busy righteously protesting Christmas. I am performing my patriotic duty telling these mindless clones that by their own actions they are murdering polar bears. Can you believe that some of these assholes have the nerve to disagree with me? That should not be allowed in a pure Marxist theocracy. People who have an opinion different than my own should not be allowed to express that opinion through a public forum. All dissenting opinion must be silenced, by first passing legislation, and then enforcing it through a secret police force. Stalin already built the mould for how this should be done properly. Hopefully if we can ever get Bob Rae elected Prime Minister, some of these necessary steps can finally be taken.

My Thank You to Ignatieff's Ancestors

While Bob Rae remains my man to lead the Canadian revolution, I need to give some props to the aristocracy that brought us the Red October Revolution of 1917, the ancestors that Michael Ignatieff brags about. The drunken farmers in Animal Farm, the Ignatieff Aristocracy, paved the way for my beloved Iron Curtain. Their incompetence allowed my heroes to bring state Communism to the world on a massive scale, leading to a Golden Age of Marxism that historians such as myself can only dream about and often do. I want Bob Rae to assume control of the Liberal Party and unite the left at the nearest opportunity, but I do feel an enormous amount of nostalgia for the Ignatieff family.

The World can officially thank the Ignatieff family for Joe Stalin, the often misunderstood hero of Marxism, who did what needed to be done to bring Heaven to Earth. I know that bleeding hearts like Orwell and Trotsky would bemoan the necessity of Stalin, but you need men with "iron balls" like Stalin to impose the dream. It can't happen any other way. Trotsky deserved to die, and I hope that he burns in a Hell that I don't believe exists.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you to Michael Ignatieff. Your forefathers made Heaven on Earth possible for billions of people. You are blessed in your place among the immortal heroes of revolution.

I want to steal Christmas

I always loved the movie the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. He hates Hooville, and he rightfully hates a consumer holiday that bleeds money from the poor for the betterment of businesses run by greedy capitalists. Christmas is to evil economics what steroids are to Major League Baseball. By stealing Christmas, he was saving the Hoos from their own capitalist destruction. The Grinch was saving lives, making decisions for people unable to think for themselves. Then he got cold feet and turned around? That coward! What he was doing was righteous, then in a moment of weakness he was corrupted be the evils of material desire and returned to Hooville to murder polar bears.

I am not encouraging people to break and enter, and I do not condone breaking the law. I condone electing Messiah's like Bob Rae to change the laws. I expect Bob Rae would make it legal to steal Christmas, if leading a majority government. What I need to encourage people to do this week is to make big signs that say "STOP SHOPPING, YOU ARE MURDERING POLAR BEARS!!!" with a picture of a dead polar bear; and go down to your local shopping center to spread the message of the revolution. Only then will heaven be a place on earth!

And remember, anytime someone tells you Merry Christmas this season, what they are really saying is that they want to destroy the planet and murder baby polar bears.

Saving the Planet, one abortion at a time

Given David Suzuki's marching orders that we dramatically reduce the world's population in order to diffuse the population bomb and save lives; I have been trying to think of new ways to reduce population. There was my "half a child" policy, my idea of outlawing seat belts, adopting one of Mao's 5 year plans, emulating Pol Pot, etc. My latest idea is on the issue of abortion. Not only should we encourage as many of them as possible, we need to extend to parents the right to abort their children up to age 30. If you have a 19 year old son who does well in school and you are concerned that he might grow up to be a capitalist pig, pull the plug.

I can't believe that this right has not already been issued to parents. If they can terminate a fetus during pregnancy, why stop there? Honestly, how many mothers considered an abortion during a pregnancy only to have the child, watch him or her grow up to be a capitalist pig, and regret not terminating the life when the option was on the table? We want to crush successful people and smart people are more likely to be successful on average, therefore parents with young smart children should consider making the compassionate choice to help save the planet. I do not encourage anyone to follow my policy idea until we are able to get the "Abort 30 below" legislation through the House of Commons and into law. Anxious parents will have to wait until we can get Elizabeth May into the legislature.

Since I am 30 years old, I have immunity from the new policy. Did you hear that mom? That rent cheque will have to wait for the revolution...

Don't stop till you get enough!

I am furious about this Copenhagen Treaty! This does not make countries do what I want them to do, and therefore I demand that all world leaders stay in Copenhagen through Christmas until they can agree to do what I want them to do. I would like Jack Layton to stay in Denmark until the Climate Crisis has been resolved. We need Jack to blaze a trail into the future.

Have I ever mentioned how magnificent Comrade Soloman is? That's right, I think I remember doing that once.

We need a massive redistribution of wealth followed by a massive decrease in population and consumption, and only then can we save the planet. My two buddies agree with me, so this is peer reviewed and beyond reproach.

If David Suzuki jumped off a bridge, I would not think twice

Listen people, I have heard that the benevolent David Suzuki has upset some people today by comparing climate change to slavery. Calm down, the man is absolutely right. What you have to understand, is that David is not like us mere mortals made of flesh and blood. Suzuki is a Deity that is composed of pure energy and does not inhabit the same plain of existence as filthy carbon producers. Slavery was absolutely the perfect analogy to use. Suzuki does not fart methane, he farts magic.

If David Suzuki jumped off of a bridge, I absolutely would too, without so much as a second thought. If Dr Fantastic jumped into a vat of boiling acid, count me in. Speaking of acid, for a really psychedelic voyage, get really really high and watch Suzuki interviewed by Soloman. I'm not kidding, put your lava lamp on top of the television, burn some candles, punch yourself in the face, and watch. I'm not kidding, Suzuki will literally pop out of your television and hug you.

We are holding Mugabe captive in a criminal kidnapping case that is exactly like slavery. It is even worse than slavery, it is at the precipice of a Holocaust. When virtually all poor people die from cow farts historians will look back on what the wise Mugabe had to say today as the final "let my people go" that was promptly ignored by capitalist pigs. It is not his fault that his land re-distribution plan crashed the national economy and made their money worthless. That is Alberta's fault. Mugabe and Chavez are majestic creatures, ordained upon us by a million years of social evolution.

Get busy trying, or get busy dying. Look, Suzuki is God if ever there was one. Ideally, we would make him President of the world where we could worship him with the honour he deserves. Thank you Suzuki, thank you for showing us the way. Everyone else, just shut up and do what the man says. My two buddies agree with me, this post is therefor peer reviewed and beyond reproach.

Peer Reviewed

Listen people, if we don't adopt a model of International Marxism effective immediately in order to save the world from cow farts, everyone in the world will die. This could happen in years, months, or even days. It only took 2 weeks in A Day After Tomorrow to cover the entire Northern Hemisphere in ice. You can't argue with me, my opinion is peer reviewed. My two buddies that come over every Saturday night to play Dungeons and Dragons agree with me. I have peer reviewed consensus, and you need the consensus of my peers in order to disagree with me.

I love the new Scientific Method! It feels so good to be so right.

Stephen Harper photo contest

I would like to encourage my dozen fans to participate in my Contest. I am looking for the best picture of Stephen Harper murdering a baby animal. If you have to use photoshop, so be it, but I assume an evil misogynist like Harper murders baby animals as a hobby in his spare time. It shouldn't be too hard to find a shot of him choking out a baby polar bear. Let's be honest, by denying climate change, he is murdering polar bears. It would not be inflammatory if he is actually doing it in real life, which he is and we have consensus so you can't disagree with us.

Send your photoshop submissions to progressivemarxist@gmail.com

I trust Bureaucrats

Listen people, if you want the best information on what the government is doing, you must implicitly trust individual bureaucrats over decorated military Generals. Our neo-con military leadership is not to be trusted, and frankly I don't think their word on any matters of warfare should be trusted. The problem with bureaucrats is that there aren't enough of them. We need thousands more hand picked, loyal men who will advocate big government and accuse our military of war crimes. Not only do I support Richard Colvin in his claims against the Government, but I would like to nominate him to become the Minister of Defense, assuming of course that Ujjal Dosangh is not available for the job. All those military Generals saying that his allegations lack formidable basis in provable fact are delusional cons who want to overthrow democracy and install a fascist regime like Chancellor Palpatine in Star Wars.

What I say is real. As I have stated in the past, I am an expert on military warfare and as an enlightened intellectual philosopher, my opinion is more important than the people deployed in the field.

Healthy Artistic Expression

Listen people, submitting a photo of the Prime Minister being shot is a healthy display of artistic expression that should be loved rather than reviled. If they want to take the PM's head and photoshop it onto the body of a communist hero like Lee Harvey Oswald, then we should praise them for it. There is nothing wrong with letting people know that you harbour a latent desire to see your Prime Minister expire. We all feel that way, let it out.

I would like to encourage my comrades to continue to publish as many written words as you can possibly manage to produce, and to continue with the healthy displays of expression that you have today. If only more people knew just how honourable, insightful, and brilliant us Liberal bloggers really are, I might actually be able to raise money in my donations bin. It is hard raising money as a left winger, as our average supporters don't have any of it. Thank heavens for rich celebrities. They keep us in business!

Keep up the magnificent work Liberal Bloggers, you inspire me, you complete me!

Politics as Unusual

I am very excited about our new tactic of impersonating politicians at international conferences and making false claims on behalf of a people that we don't represent. There are so many ways we can go with this. We can show up at pig roasts and tell people that we have just passed legislation that stipulates barbequing to be illegal, and that veganism is now law. We can tell people that it is illegal to drive cars without sending a cheque direct to Uganda, and they will have to believe it because we are pretending to be the people who write their laws! People believe what their government tells them, and therefore by impersonating government officials we can tell them to do anything and they have to do it! It is perfect!

Until the Yes Men are charged in a court of law, it is not illegal to impersonate politicians. Therefore what we need to so is set hundreds, nay thousands of phony websites, Twitter accounts, Facebook Pages to completely dilute politics on the internet. We need to contribute to rising apathy by making it impossible for regular citizens to distinguish between politicians and comedians. We want average people to become even more skeptical of politicians, angry at politicians, and disinterested in making a difference. Only then can we subjugate and overthrow their alleged freedoms.

We can show up at public events pretending to be people's elected officials, and instruct them to do absurd things in order to videotape them and amuse our Liberal-selves. This is beautiful. We can pretend to be Conservatives and then run around stealing candy from babies and it will be hilarious to everybody because regular citizens will believe that it is really a conservative doing the ridiculous things that we ourselves are doing.

We are opening a door to a brave new world. The Yes Men have set a brave precedence and we must now follow them into the breach with unfaltering reverence. Think of all the things we can accomplish by impersonating government officials and making false statements that would be considered a crime if anyone had the balls to sue, which they don't. We can go to public beaches and tell all the patrons that they have to leave because we the law makers have banned sun bathing as a public health emergency. We can tell people that it is now illegal to wear shorts in the summer; we can tell people whatever we want to believe because they are gullible enough to believe whatever we tell them. People are inherently stupid and it is the job of enlightened people like us to shock them into compliance on issues that they may not agree with.

And what is even better is that we can videotape it all and sell it as a movie for a profit when we are done ridiculing normal, average people!

I am so excited at this new tactic. Yes men, yes we can impersonate government officials! This is awesome! I am going to go to the local shopping mall pretending to be a government official. Let’s see what insane things I can make people do! YES!

Let's all pretend to be Politicians!

I can't believe that I didn't think of this sooner! The best way to defeat our corrupt government is to pretend to be them in public and to the media. We can just make up fake stories and submit them to the media for publication. Fortunately for us we have most of the media on our side and can just feed them phony stories and they will run them without vetting. We can show up at public events pretending to be people's elected officials, and instruct them to do absurd things in order to videotape them and amuse our Liberal-selves. This is beautiful. We can pretend to be Conservatives and then run around stealing candy from babies and it will be hilarious to everybody because regular citizens will believe that it is really a conservative doing the ridiculous things that we ourselves are doing.

This is genius. It should not be illegal to impersonate politicians in public places and in a public forum. We should be allowed to parody our opponents while pretending to be them, such that less enlightened people believe that our opponent really is that way. I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner. I would like to thanks those two brave soldiers in Copenhagen who impersonated government officials and spread false press releases. May Marx be with you...

Rules of Engagement

Listen people, I have seen virtually every episode of Law and Order ever produced. This qualifies me as an expert on the Afghanistan detainee file. Also having watched Apocalypse Now 230 times and Platoon 320 times, I have scholarly standing in the nature of warfare. Sure I hardly leave my mother's basement, but I know how war should be handled. I'm an expert.

Anytime any criminal offense takes place in the theatre of war, regardless of the severity, we must cease all hostilities and quarantine the area to do a proper police investigation. Each time someone is shot or hit with a shoe, we must bring in savvy police detectives and a CSI team to collect proper evidence for a civilian trial. If there are any mistakes in the investigative process, Jack McCoy may not be able to secure a conviction. Even if the enemy continues to attack, we must display our moral superiority and cease hostilities under fire.

We must unveil to our enemy what evidence we collected that led to the decision to engage in that offensive. We must grant them complete access to all our intel, all our information collected, all reports from the field, completely unredacted. We must allow experts in warfare such as me and my fellow Liberal Bloggers to read every last page of all our military documents and decisions so that we may publish all that valuable information to the world. We must turn our Armed Forces inside out, and do it now.

I was against this war from the beginning, and therefore if the Taliban is victorious, that validates my initial opinion. Jack Layton and Ujjal Dosangh are the military scholars that I demand be granted complete access to every last piece of paper from every last branch of government that has anything at all to do with Afghanistan. Allow the Liberal Blogosphere to publish and deconstruct everything about our Armed Forces and how we engage in warfare. Someone like me has not been "corrupted" by participating in armed conflict, I am still pure, and have the knowledge and wisdom from a generation of anti-war movies to guide my path to total consciousness.

Give Jack Layton what he wants. I defer all my expertise in the art of warfare to one of the most brilliant military theologians of the modern age. You tell us what we need to know Jack!

And this is why all detainees must be freed.

We Must Reduce the World's Population Now

I am running a poll to help me figure out the best way to reduce the World's population. We have too many people on this planet, and we need to reduce it by at least a billion people before millions of people start dying of climate change. We have to eliminate people in order to save people. I am a big fan of the one child policy, though I prefer my own idea of a "half a child" policy. Only every other couple is permitted to have one child, and must fight another couple to the death in a steel cage for breeding rights.

My other bright idea is to forcibly herd all the World's Conservatives into rocket ships and blast them into the sun. That way we can also eliminate dissenting opinion. I don't like people having an opinion different than my own. Anyone who doesn't agree with me is an idiot. The 5 year plan by Mao succeeded in killing millions. Shut down major food producers and redistribute assets to peasants with no farming experience. It is a brilliant way to crash food production and starve people to death.

What do you think?

Elizabeth May for Governor General

When you think about it, there can be no other choice. If only the coward Stephen Harper had the bravery to do the right thing, we could make Elizabeth our head of state. Then we need to pass legislation increasing the power of the Governor General, such that the head of state has influence power over all government ministries. Elizabeth May needs to extend her brilliance into all branches of government, to re-write our Democracy, and to turn this country into something that the World can be proud of.

I know that I would be proud to have Elizabeth May as my Governor General. Do the right thing Mister Prime Minister, do the right thing.

Elizabeth May the Force be with you!

Elizabeth May is a majestic creature, likely raised by unicorns in a galaxy far far away. I am mightily thankful that she exists, and is walking among us mere mortals. I am proud to have her on the front lines of our Marxist Enlightenment. I used to be weary of the Greens, but since May took over the team, they have steered sharply in my direction. Policies like Minimum Guaranteed Incomes are exactly what I dream of in my visions of Utopia. I deserve at least $30,000 annually whether I work or not. The world owes me a life, and Elizabeth May is pounding the pavement every day like a modern day Athena to make it happen!

In my future Bob Rae Administration, Elizabeth May needs to be in Cabinet, elected or otherwise. The only problem is what portfolio to give her, because while Environment is a given, I would also love for her to twinkle her magic in Industry, Finance, Human Resources, Natural Resources, among others. We need to give her at least six Ministries. Ujjal gets Defense for sure, Glen Clark gets Justice, Sid Ryan gets Foreign Affairs, Buzz Hargrove should get the CBC, with Bob Rae sitting in the Prime Minister's Office. In that instance, heaven would indeed be a place on Earth!

I suppose Layton can have Treasury or Health or whatever Baird does.

We need a carbon tax

I would like to take a moment to tell everyone in the world that no matter who you are or what country you live in, we should all be paying a hefty carbon tax on everything. The beauty of a carbon tax is that the majority of the world's energy produces carbon when burned. Most industries rely on this energy. If we want to inhibit the growth of industry in order to stifle innovation and bring heaven to Earth, a carbon tax is perfect. We can save the Planet while imposing Marxist ideals on global economics. I love it! It also allows us to raise lots of extra tax money to fund the massive civil service that we are going to need.

All praise be to Gordon Campbell for being one of the first to jump on board. I love you for it Gordon.

Dalton, I think I love you

Dalton McGuinty, Premier of Ontario, if I haven't said it before allow me to say it now; you are a magnificent leader! Everything you have been doing since you took control of power in Ontario has been exactly the path of deconstruction that we need. We must suffocate business if we are to assert state control over the populace, and you are doing exactly that. You have been strengthening the backbone of any good communist bureaucracy, the public unions. The more people who work for the government the better. If we can get that number up over half of all employed workers, then we are on our way to Utopia.

I love your frequent tax increases, as we need to money to pay for all this. Marxism isn't free. I love that you pass new laws to protect people from themselves. People cannot be trusted to make optimal decisions, as most choices made in a capitalist system are tainted by greed and desire for material possessions. Trust me, Dalton can minimize the ability of Ontario to acquire material possessions. I love that if I want to get a sex change, you'll pay for it. I'm not saying that I will take advantage of it, it's just nice to have on the table.

What else am I forgetting? Ah well, keep it up my man! Continue growing the bureaucracy, suffocating private enterprise, and increasing the control of the state over people's lives. We need you Dalton, you're our only hope!

NO TRADE

Look, it is fantastic that we are pounding our message down people's throats this week. Placing massive limits on human consumption is exactly what Prophet Karl wanted us to do. Consumption is the corrupting root of all evil. That is all well and good, but I ask people not to forget the elimination of international trade as a fundamental tool for restricting production and consumption. We need to scrap free trade. The NDP is definitely on board with me here. The problem with trade is that it creates a merchant class of entrepreneurs, even worse so when you allow private industry.

When you allow private commerce to flourish, you create an entire class of used car salesmen being exploited by the bourgeois elite to murder the poorest class. We cannot allow commerce. We need the state to mandate all business, and we certainly can't allow free trade if we are to prevent catastrophic climate shift. If you Green Activists don't speak out against free trade, I will be expecting your apology in 10 years when there is a new ice age. Speak up and unite!

Marx bless Hopenhaven!

Sweet Dreams of Marxism

People, we are trying to create a Utopian civilization on Earth, "sweet dreams are made of this, who had a mind to disagree?" The science is settled and the debate is over! The Deniers are just people who "some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused!" They want to murder themselves and polar bears by denying the truth that all us enlightened people accept. Let's embrace Copenhagen, not deny it. This is about bringing Heaven to Earth. Why do you have to hate the truth? Denying the truth means you hate the truth. Don't hate the truth, BE THE TRUTH!

A Fantastic Convenient Truth!

All praise to Darwin, the CBC is airing an inconvenient truth. Even though I watch it at home every day between noon and 2 before I go check in at the local Service Canada outlet, I still had to watch it tonight. What a glorious film! I love how Al discusses his life story; a time when a few brave scientists first started counting air in a remote area and drew astronomical conclusions. He was one of the first to jump in with both feet, and the rest is history. Al Gore may not be human, he may be made of pure wisdom and star matter.

It is magnificent how he is able to use a variable to forecast unknown data of another variable, then he puts them on top of one another and discusses the correlation. Brilliant! He goes on to tell us how we need to shift food production into ethanol, which would certainly help accomplish my desire for consecutive quarters of negative global population growth. I was standing by the standard 5 year plan of Chairman Mao, but Al's idea sounds equally appealing. Al Gore is a crusader for the Marxist ideal, for our way of life, for redistributing wealth and capping production and consumption; we can create Utopia on Earth.

I support Al Gore for President of the World!

Full Employment Insurance

This is what we need to do. If you are released from a job, you should get 100% of your wages for up to 10 years. I am laid off from jobs with repeating frequency, mostly I suspect because my capitalist overlords seek to suppress the words of the great prophet. Finding a new job can take years. Once you have been blacklisted from the Cosmicquench Coffee house, it is next to impossible to continue in that line of work, let alone break into a new industry. They ask for references at most fast food chains, so there goes that industry. When I am not working for a living, which is more often than not, I cannot afford new games for my X-Box.

In a perfect world, a Utopian world, I could get paid for life to not work. I would then be free from the shekels of capitalism and able to pursue my dreams of competing in X-Box tournaments and exporting the Marxist system to free countries all over the world. If we could turn every country into North Korea, Cuba, or my favourite Venezuela, then heaven would indeed be a place on earth. It is my right to be supported by harder working people, and I demand the complete liberalization of employment insurance and welfare. Let's break down those capitalist barriers to Utopian work free life, when we can gather in a massive circle and all play X-Box together.

Eve of Destruction

This is one of my all-time favourite songs and it perfectly describes the climate crisis! Testify Prophet Barry! The climate is changing violently, and we need to impose limits on consumption and production in order to stop it. If we don't change our ways, we will all die in a few days. "There will be no one to save with the world in her grave! Take a look around you boy, it's bound to scare you boy!" Impose Global Socialism, or you will die. It is not a difficult question!

Marx-A-Thousand

It took me less than a week to get a thousand hits on a blog with no host site. I just post comments on sites and ride the Iceman's entrails. That capitalist pig owes me a living, but I digress. Thank you people for coming on board with an important message of uniting the left wing under a common banner. I am offended about the allegations that this site is satire! How can you call the world ending in a few years or less humorous? That kind of evil neglect for polar bear life will not be tolerated in the home of the Progressive Marxist. We would have been lucky to have Stephane Dion, but Bob Rae would move mountains.

Climate Deniers Belong in Prison!

I am fed up with the flat earthers who do not believe as I do that any day now we are going to experience a sudden catastrophic climate shift that will kill millions of people, possibly billions. I have seen the movie The Day After Tomorrow, and therefore I have seen the future. I know what is going to happen, and people are going to die, most of them poor people. Anyone who denies that this is going to happen is committing an act of murder and belongs in prison! All those innocent lives lost will be on their conscious. The time to act was three days before the day after tomorrow.

The world leaders who fail to do exactly what we demand they do should be tried in a rico prosecution at Nuremberg. These denyists are committing crimes against humanity and are advocating a genocide of polar bears and poor people. I am ashamed of my government for not believing what I believe. We should have listened to Al Gore who wanted us to shift all our food production to ethanol. Sure Al owned millions of dollars of stocks in the same industries he was promoting, but that is sound investment, not conflict of interest. Stephen Harper on the other hand is engaging in a massive act of depraved indifference and he wants to murder poor people and polar bears.

Shame on you Stephen Harper!

Evan Soloman; SHOW ME THE WAY!

There exists a select group of almighty opinion pundits from which I draw my inspiration. I credit the Liblogs, Mike Moore, Bill Maher, Comrade Rae, and all the brave climate ethics warriors on the Planet. And yet, I gaze upon Evan Soloman's forced outrage and he above all else sways my opinion. Marx bless you Evan. You are his voice in the CBC, and Darwin appreciates your contribution to the narrative. May you be on TV forever, speaking the beauty of our far left ideology to the unassuming masses!

Evan, show me the way!

Ujjal Dosanjh, my Minister of Defense

I would like to officially nominate one of my personal heroes Ujjal Dosanjh to be the next Minister of Defense. Let me tell you a story about a man named Ujjal. We are still awaiting the test results to learn if he is mortal or indeed one of the blessed immortals. Comrade Ujjal served as the Attorney General in the magnificent Glen Clark Administration. When Glen resigned in 1999 amid ludicrous allegations that he swindled millions from taxpayers, we were gifted with a magnificent year of utopia under Ujjal. Then right wing propaganda over the marvelous Fast Ferries reduced our Utopian Government to two seats.

Glen and Ujjal did a magnificent job funnelling money to the trade unions who deserved all those taxpayers dollars for doing spectacular work. The reason that Glen was able to do what needed to be done was because he had an honourable man like Ujjal running the justice system. Praise be to Glen Clark and Ujjal Dosanjh! You are marvels of spectacularness, and I hope that both of you ascend to prominence in the future Rae administration. Has Layton already been promised Finance? If not, we need to consider Glen Clark. Ujjal should be running the military with the majestic enlightened zeal with which he ran the Department of Justice during the Clark Administration! Speaking of Clark, Ujjal's reign surpassed that of another hero of mine, Joe Clark.

"Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form."

-Karl Marx

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Where have you gone Stephane Dion, the fate of humanity turns its lonely eyes to you! One year ago, there was hope. The last chance that we would have to launch a climate warrior into power before the Copenhagen Summit. Every night before I go to bed, I look up into the sky at the constellation of Aquarius, and I scream out his name "STEPHANE! STEPHANE! STEPHANE!" Then I collapse to my knees weeping for what could have been. I have done this every night for a year. Like Heather Mallick, I am embarrassed that Stephane Dion is not my Prime Minister. His eloquence, his charisma, the magic of his wisdom, the overwhelming awesomeness that is the strength of his convictions, gone in an instant when that bitch decided to prorogue parliament. When I wake up every morning, I smash my head against the wall, break out my wiji board and summon the spirit of Karl Marx to bring me guidance, but in the wake of the catastrophe of Harper, I can find no solace...

Do it for the Polar Bears

I have been screaming from my mother's basement for days about the need to impose caps on production and consumption in order to save the Planet. Much to my frustration, nobody seems to be listening. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so here is a picture of a baby polar bear. By pasting pictures of polar bears onto my blog, I am better able to convince you that we need to adopt a system of global socialism on the Planet Earth. Don't believe me? Just look at the adorable polar bear. Do it for him. By imposing the upcoming Copenhagen Accords, we can not only save the planet, we can save polar bears, but most importantly we can redistribute the wealth of the world in order to end hunger, end crime, end war, end suffering, and live in a Utopian society that many great minds could only dream of.

Do it for the polar bears. Isn't he cute?

Heather Mallick is my Hero!

I love Heather Mallick, and I have a tremendous respect for her bravery to come out and write what needs to be written. We are past the tipping point of this climate crisis, and brave warriors like Heather must assert their influence over the masses of sheep who blindly follow capitalism like lemmings towards a cliff. I have seen the movie the Day After Tomorrow, okay, I know what is going to happen in the future! If we don't shut down Alberta yesterday, we will all be buried under a mile of ice by 2020.

I understand that we need the revenues from that golden goose to pay for Quebec day cares and McGuinty sex changes, thus my idea is to herd all the brainwashed capitalist citizens of Alberta into re-education gulags. The right wing has brainwashed them into working hard and achieving success and therefore need to be deprogrammed into the less ambitious doldrums of socialism. By using these people as forced labour, we can produce goods and services that can pay for all the ambitious social programs in the more enlightened provinces. Heather is exactly right, and I strongly believe that we should follow her advice. It is the only way that we can save the Planet.

Please Heather, keep writing. Your hard work and dedication is really helping our cause! You are a majestic queen, as beautiful and curious as Pandora, with the shocking good looks of a Nancy Pelosi. I bow at your feet wise sage, please, lead by example, by inspiration. I am humbled by the magnificence of you!

Let's close Alberta and herd its people into forced labour camps. That's what Heather would want us to do.

I love Nancy Pelosi

Is there a more admirable woman on the Planet Earth today than Nancy Pelosi? The answer is no. Her unflinching spirit and superior intellect provide the framework for what every woman in the world should aspire to be. She has the brains of ten ordinary men, and she is advancing the socialist agenda farther than any who came before her. Even the Great Chairman Mao is envious of Speaker Nancy. Her beauty only serves to increase the effectiveness of her message, as men flock to her seductive eyes and beautiful smile. The way the light glistens off of her plastic face can blind the mere mortals who gaze upon her. A wise philosopher once said "I'm a barbie girl in a barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic!"

I could not agree more. All hail Nancy Pelosi, a brave warrior for progressive socialist ideology if ever there was one! Not only is she one, she is number one!

Al Gore for President of the United Nations

Look, the time to act on this Climate Crisis was three days before the day after tomorrow, meaning yesterday. It is too late for debate, we must save the planet and do it now. This is about more than just saving the bourgeois elitists from an ice age in the Northern Hemisphere, this is about redistributing wealth to the poor countries of the world. This is imperative! We can end hunger, end crime, end war, by stealing from the rich to give to the poor. We must suppress success and reward failure immediately years ago. I applaud the scientists for cooking the books, because they were doing what needed to be done to advance our agenda. Capitalism is evil, and they say that evil prevail when good Socialists fail to act.

We must take action. We must make Al Gore President of the World with complete totalitarian authority over everything and everyone.

Heaven is a place on Earth!

While the barista tip jar at the coffee hut has been a little lighter since the fall of capitalism, it remains my dream to live in the utopia of either Cuba or Venezuela. Where people with an opposing opinion are not allowed to speak publicly, where the government controls our lives, private enterprise is not allowed to exist, and failure is rewarded to spite success. It is a perfect world for me, where I don't have to work hard, and can piggy-back on the labours of others. I have grown weary of greedy capitalist pigs having an opinion and working hard to earn a better life. If government runs all business, then these people can't do business, and we can encourage them all to leave the country. Utopia can only exist when the hard working enterprising people have left the building.

I look forward to the day when I can afford to buy a plane ticket to Havana, because heaven is indeed a place on Earth.

All POWs Must be Freed

The leader of the Free World Obama has set the precedent that enemy combatants captured on the field of battle should be put on trial in Western civilian courts and afforded all the same rights and privileges of civilians presumed to be innocent. I agree completely, and all this jurisprudence should be retroactive to the moment of capture. Did the soldier have just cause to be in that war zone? Did he read the combatant his rights? Did they halt combat operations to do a proper criminal investigation? Was the capturing soldier himself a war criminal? Did the military incur the cost of putting Johnny Cochrane in a jet plane and fly him to the theatre for immediate and adequate legal representation?

Questions that we Liberals are entitled to know the answer to, but I doubt were ever considered! Therefore, none of the combatants in captivity were extended the legal rights that they deserve and all should be released. It would have been optimal had the Liberal Party carried out proper justice when they began the heavy mission in Kandahar, but nobody is perfect. Best stick our failures on the evil Capitalist Party who seeks to enslave the 3rd world. It is awesome how we are able to successfully blame the Tories for our own mistakes, and we must maintain the pressure. If I believed in Satan, he would be Stephen Harper. We must unite to defeat them. Now is not the time for internal strife.

Free all POWs!

Christmas must be Defeated!

We must end this bourgeois practice of Christmas once and for all. It is nothing more than a tool by capitalist pigs to force poor people to spend money they don't have in order to fulfill some imaginary religious purpose. What do we get as a result? Consumers consume more, forcing factories to increase production, which dramatically increases pollution, which is going to contribute to a catastrophic climate shift in the next 20 years or less. We must stop Christmas effective immediately. Please, nobody go shopping. Save your money, save the planet, and donate everything you have to the Liberal Party of Canada. They are our only hope!

When somebody wishes you a Merry Christmas this holiday season, what they are really trying to say is please destroy the Planet and murder us all. If a capitalist pig wishes you a Merry Christmas, tell them to fuck off. Let's save the planet, by eliminating frivolous consumer holidays.

Why we need CUPE

I am an ardent supporter of the Canadian Union of Public Employees. They are necessary if we are to have a strong, centralized government. Our bureaucracy needs a strong backbone, and that is represented and protected by CUPE. I just wish that they would let Sid Ryan get more involved in politics, and remove his muzzle and allow him to speak his mind. I would almost go so far as to endorse him for Minister of Foreign Affairs in a Rae Administration. Anybody is better than Lawrence Cannon, right?

CUPE is more than just a conglomerate of Progressive minds, they are the tool that can be used to absorb the rest of the civil service into this critical voting block. We need all the support we can accrue if we are to build our Grand Coalition of left wing parties. I want more blocks of workers to join the CUPE family. Secret ballots are just a capitalist tool for suppressing honest worker's movements. We need to know who is voting yes and who is voting no so that we can convince them to vote yes.

By administering services that the regular citizenry cannot live without, we have a unique bargaining power that other unions do not. Therefor, the bigger our tent, the more leverage we have over tax payers. We can acquire a greater share of tax revenue by using our bargaining power and forcing the people to force their politicians to give us what we want.

I support CUPE, and I support Bob Rae for Prime Minister.

Monetizing a Blog

I hope that you don't think because I have monetized my blog that I am being corrupted by the bourgeois elite who assert dominance over us all. Honestly, my mom has been bugging me to pay rent for my basement suite, and that woman is getting on my nerves. Until socialist utopia is in place in our society and economy, this enlightened manifesto has to somehow pay the bills of capitalism. I am so sorry.

Why I Love Obama

If I believed in God, I might be inclined to think that Barack Obama is his son on Earth. Sure he had to tell a few white lies to win the election, but his winning was far more important than campaign rhetoric. He, with the help of the divine Nancy Pelosi are doing what needs to be done. The crime rates in the United States can be solely explained by income inequality, and the Democratic Party is ensuring that the darkness of free market capitalism is crushed forever. The dream of a peaceful planet without war is near at hand, and Obama is the man to do it.

Since the Democratic Party will not be running a primary process, loyal Liberals must do everything in their power to ensure that the Republicans choose Sarah Palin. We know Independents would rather have Obama than Palin, and given that she ain't the brightest pea in the pod, her selection would guarantee Obama's re-election.

Let's make this happen!

The Time to Act is Now

There is no longer any time to debate the settled science of Global Warming. The fact that these "flat earthers" have been filibustering climate progress for so long now, this means that we now need more drastic action than we would have needed a decade ago. Desperate times call for desperate measures. The United Nations must discuss trade sanctions against countries that are non-compliant on this international consensus. We must discuss banning automobiles, forced closure of factories that burn fossil fuels, and ideas for significantly decreasing world population growth. Had the United States ratified and adhered to Kyoto when the treaty was first signed, these drastic measures would not be necessary. But because of the blind ignorance of those who refused to ratify it, we are now at the most perilous tipping point that the world has ever seen.

We will see if all these "flat earthers" are still laughing when the Northern Hemisphere is buried under a mile of ice and snow in 2020.

"Ignorance is bliss when it is folly to be wise"

-Jim Lahey, Trailer Park Supervisor

I endorse Bob Rae for Prime Minister

If we are forced to go to an election (that I would like to see as soon as possible) with Igantieff, so be it. The great uniter of the left is Bob Rae, and the sooner we can get him into the Pilot's Chair, the better. He is the candidate who can unify the left and dismantle the NDP systematically. We must step to the left to absorb as many Green Party and NDP votes as possible. Conservative attack ads have poisoned the center, and thus we must go where the votes are. Bob Rae is the man to do this, and I fully support having a Liberal Leadership convention where delegates actually have the opportunity to vote. I prefer not to have secret ballots, as a card check type system where your votes are public are the best means of convincing colleagues to vote for your candidate. The objective is to elect the most electable leader.

I support Bob Rae.

Taking Action

I have decided that I can longer sit on the sidelines while a divided left remains at each other's throats; facilitating the Conservative grip on power. I voted Marxist-Leninist in the last election, though I have voted NDP in the past. I have not been entirely pleased with Layton's big business approach to Economic policy, and I prefer a more grassroots movement. We need to replace Stephen Harper from the Captain's Room and replace him with a leader of who can maintain a Grand Coalition of the left wing parties and finally take this country down a glorious path.

I have grave concerns that the Harper Delegation at Copenhagen will only push us farther away from global consensus, and that if we do not act soon there could be a cataclysmic climate shift in our lifetimes. It is critically important that we put aside our past difference and unite under a common banner. If you total all the votes from the Liberals, NDP, and Green and put them into a single basket, the new coalition would have 176 seats. I'll take first past that post!

The political power acured would easily allow us to keep pace with the rest of the world in ending the threat of climate change by redistributing wealth to the impoverished world. Suffering will end, and peace will prosper. This is what we must do. The guerrilla techniques innovated by Mao do not work in a stable parliamentary democracy, and thus it is imperative that we work peacefully within the framework of our legal system. Invite all left wing parties to a binding policy convention on every subject, and that majority opinion will adequately reflect the true will of the people.