Friday, January 29, 2010

I hate jobs

Sorry I can't write people, my EI ran out and I need to get a job. I hate jobs! Jesus Christ, why can't we just live in a world were nobody has jobs and still get paid? I am entitled to easy government benefits if not employment where I don't have to work hard.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Vancouver's Million Man March!

I had the pleasure of joining my comrades on Saturday for a beautiful traffic blocking march of solidarity through Vancouver's downtown core. I was joined by literally millions upon millions of people, and I know this because I personally did a head count. It could even have been billions of people, obviously as an ocean of protestors can be difficult to count and track. I have read some suggestions that there were only a few hundred, which is complete rubbish. Anyone who ventured anywhere near the downtown core on Saturday would unquestionably have beared witness to this massive flooding of people.

You are not allowed to disagree with me. What I have written above is a statement of fact and cannot be refuted in the court of public opinion. There were millions of people.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Children Are Our Future

I have not been writing as much the past two weeks, as I have been busy pounding the pavement with my grassroots protest movements, doing my best to sway public opinion towards the path of righteousness. The wise philosopher Jim Lahey once said "if you plant shit seeds, you get shit weeds." Wednesday I was protesting bottled water at my local convenience store, yesterday I was out at the Farmer's Market protesting the murder of innocent plants, and today I was protesting capitalism at the mall.

In all my travels inspiring grassroots political movements, I have made an observation. The younger a person is, the easier it is to convince them of anything. I remember the time I convinced my nephew that Megatron was waiting outside to take him prisoner, and that kid refused to leave the house for weeks. I know the children are particularly susceptible to our global warming prophecies, especially when you tell them that polar bears are dying and Canada will be buried under a glacier before they turn 30. My convincing conversion percentage gets progressively smaller the older my target. I was unable to convince any adults to join my protest of water, but the young people were easy marks. Just tell them that a dolphin will die for every bottle of water they drink. Sold.

I am proud to see my leftian comrades targeting younger and younger audiences. This is a brilliant move, to sell our agenda to children at an early age when they are easiest to convince. Then once they are sold, they will run around promoting our agenda in schools and malls. By the time they are old enough to know the difference, they have spent so many calories selling the righteous cause that it would embarrassing for them to de-convert. Then there was that time I convinced one of my cousins that the tooth fairy was on a quota system and if he did not make regular monthly deposits, the tooth fairy would come one night in the middle of his sleep and knock one of his teeth out.

Liberals, children truly are our future, but you already knew that, didn't you?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Great Victory for Obama

I would like to congratulate Barak Obama on a great and historic victory tonight in Massachusetts. The people were frustrated that health care legislation is not going through fast enough, and thus they voted for change. They didn't vote for Scott Brown, they voted for change. Since the health care plan has not yet been passed, the people of Massachusetts voted to speed up the process by electing a blowhard. As the people voted for change, they rejected the status quo, and the status quo is Sicko. I would recommend that President Obama appoint Michael Moore as the Health Czar and see what we can ram through the houses in the next two weeks.

That's what the people want.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Jerry Springer, Supreme Court Justice

I have heard rumblings about the next appointment to the Supreme Court in the United States, and while Janet Napoleon is a mighty vixen, Jerry Springer really should be the only name on the list. A wisdom beyond Einstein who has his finger on the pulse of Western Culture. I have even gone so far as to claim Jerry as a canonized Patron Saint of Social Justice. JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! Everybody Jerry is the future, give him the robe and let him lead the way.

I also encourage my leaders to emulate Prophet Jerry as much as possible, in all facets of life. In the blogosphere we have Canadian Cynic, whether he be Jerry Springer, Steve Wilkos, or both amped up into one. I applaud my commanding officers for the foresight of their genius, and I await with baited breath your orders on what the world should really be. I can't quite figure out whether you kick ass or take it in the ass, but regardless I sit here in awe of that mighty Jerry Springer who truly, madly, deeply, makes Charles Darwin proud.

Rock on!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Got Hugo?

Why are all these radicals like Glenn Beck implying that something is wrong with Hugo Chavez's Venezuela? Trust me, those blessed by the Oracle of Penn are immune from failure. All Hugo is doing right now is making breakfast. When you first crack the eggs into the frying pan, it doesn't look very appetizing. But add some cheese, spices, flip it around a few times and finally put it on your plate to eat, it's delicious!

We just need to be patient and wait for the scrambled eggs to finish cooking. In the end, when I have finally saved up enough money to move there, it will be paradise!

I have been busy. My EI expired so now I actually have to go out and get a job. I really hope Starbucks is still hiring. I hate jobs. I want to live in a country where there are no jobs.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Ignatieff Relaunch

People, we need to relaunch Ignatieff's public image. My suggestion, polar bears sell. If you want to sell a policy idea, if you can attach polar bears as props it is easier to seduce the unwitting masses. Therefore my idea for the Liberal Party is to relaunch Ignatieff as a baby polar bear. If we can actually convince Canadians that Iggy not human, but rather a polar bear, it will be easy to sell the message. In fact, it doesn't even matter that we don't have a message, because polar bears have proven effective at selling ideas without supporting data. Somebody over at the Liberal marketing machine should run with my idea. Ignatieff is a polar bear. Liberal majority, here we come!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Let's take the Prime Minister to Kangaroo Court

I have an idea for the loyal left winger opposition parties who will be righteously returning to work in two weeks. What we need to do is set up an unofficial "committee" meeting on whether or not the Prime Minister is guilty of high treason. We can invite a retired Liberal judge of choice to moderate the trial of Stephen Harper. This calls for an open courtroom, with perhaps an "open witness policy". Let's invite any and all Canadians to impeach Harper on the CBC. I want Bob Rae to be the special prosecutor. It would probably be best if we did not allow council to represent the government. We may want to consider renting a convention center and busing in thousands of students from U of T and McGill to testify. The youth need to be heard, uncensored!

We absolutely need to unleash the full force of Bob Rae on the Government while the masses are seduced by the bourgeois globalization you peons like to call Olympics. I am above such petty distractions. I see what needs to be sawn. I like that. "I see what needs to be sawn" may be my new catch phrase. I Googled it and it appears that it is original. People like me and Kady O'Malley are just on a higher plane of existence than the rest of you puny mortals.

I plan to do my part to help the loyal opposition brainstorm ideas for when pseudo-parliament returns on Jan 25th.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Another Tienanmen Square?

I am concerned for the lives of the righteous members of the Liberal Party of Canada preparing to stage their own Tienanmen Square style protest on the lawn of Parliament. I salute you brave warriors, but you know that Stephen Harper is going to deploy the Armed Forces to quell the insurrection. I have a vision of Leopard tanks rolling down Sussex to usurp the will of a minority political party with a plurality of righteousness on our side. Power on once more into the breach.

Charles Darwin would be proud of all of you...

My Beautiful Mind

Right now, I feel so self satisfied. I have managed to significantly convince at least 7% of the Canadian population that they should be motivated from apathy to slightly agitated. Folks, that takes a special brand of magic, and it signals that I have successfully instigated the demise of Stephen Harper. I am awesome, and soon Heaven will be a place on Earth. Far be it from me to tell you what to think, but Democracy is dead and I told you so. 7% of you listened and they say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single deuce.

Now please, with Harper plunging into the Abyss, can I get more Bob Rae? With Bob Wiley Rae, then and only then will Canada become a Utopia.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

There Will Be Facebook!

As a blog without a host wandering the wilderness of Canadian politics, I now see that the new yellow brick road to fame and fortune are Facebook Groups. I will seek shelter for a time within the warm confines of Facebook. Phase 1, join Facebooks Groups. Phase 2, if I can make a few friends then I will start creating new Facebook Groups. If I've learned anything from the CBC, it's that this will get me on TV!

If you do Facebook, look me up at

Some of the groups I have joined so far:


Petition BAN HOMEWORK! 1.3 million members

If 1 Million People Join My Dad Will not Put Our Dog to sleep 1.4 million members

Karl Marx 10,000 members

I AM CANADIAN and I can out DRINK Americans ANYDAY!!! 65,000 members

I am Canadian, therefore, I live in an igloo and ride polar bears to school 63,000 members

Laura will name her baby Megatron if 100,000 people join this group! 101,000 members

I'm bored therefore I'm hungry 95,000 members


Tuesday, January 5, 2010


As my countdown begins to my 5,000th page view, I would like to thank the people who visited Project Marx-A-Million. All this has been accomplished without the benefit of a host site. I am saddened to admit that my blog is homeless. The Liblogs don't want me, the Blogging Tories certainly don't want me, and I was even rejected by the Progressive Bloggers. It is a sad day when the Progressive Marxist can't make the cut for the Progressive Bloggers. I filled out my application and followed their instructions. All of the soon to be 5000 visitors of my site were exposed to the PB blog roll, providing them with free advertising while they provide me with nothing but a cold sidewalk to sleep on. Far be it from me to say that the Progressive Bloggers hate homeless bloggers, but there is strong evidence to support that the Progressive Bloggers hate the homeless.

It is not easy to survive as a hostless blogger. I have to continuously beg for scraps in the Liblog and BT comment sections. Fortunately for me there is at least one Blogging Tory with a heart of ice, who sends some eyeballs my way. Sometimes I kind of feel like Jame Gum, "It puts the eyeballs in the basket. IT PUTS THE FUCKING EYEBALLS IN THE BASKET!!!" But a man's gotta eat. Or maybe it's less twisted than that, maybe I'm like the Littlest Hobo. I see the numbers. My returning visitors and no referring links have been steadily growing. I just know that I'll survive, because as they say in this business, the shit rises to the top. Kady and Evan, I rest my case.

Marky Marx, aka Marx-A-Million

"maybe tomorrow I'll wanna settle down; until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on..."

"every stop I make, I make a new friend; can't stay for long, just turn around, and I'm gone again!"

Join my Facebook Groups.

Earlier this week I decided to start some Facebook groups. Within days of me telling everyone I know to join, and then watching it spread organically, I have amassed a following of tens of thousands of people. I think that I might do this for a career. Start and join Facebook groups. That way I can get my face time on the CBC. Oh I punned, heavens to Grundo!

Lazy People 4 Government Handouts

Marxists Against Free Enterprise

Lazy People Against Working For A Living

Bored People 4 Being Angry About Something

Party Members 4 Doing What They're Told

Monday, January 4, 2010

Kady O'Malley, telling the story the way it is

I would take a moment to applaud the CBC's Kady O'Malley and the marvelous work that she has been doing for the Liberal Party of Canada. Just when we thought that Canadians were losing interest in the prorogation story, in swoops Wonder Woman with "PROROGUEWATCH 2010", where she geniously takes bad news and turns it into wonderful Liberal news! People may either click to read her version, or you may read my interpretation of excellence in interpretive journalism. Since Kady's mind operates on a wave length above you mere silly mortals, you may require me to translate for you. Most Canadians are too stupid to think for themselves, but who needs to think when you have scholars like Kady and I to think for you.


As it turns out, recent polling has indicated that half of Canadians don't care that Parliament was prorogued for the Olympics, but that wasn't going to discourage Kady! Considering that at best 40% of Canadians supported the Tories, and 50% don't care about this story, that should be a concern to us Liberals who are trying to incite public anger over something Liberals are frustrated about. Since 25% of Tories do not support prorogation, and 25% of Tories are 10% of the total population, then 20% of the people who don't care about prorogation voted for the opposition, meaning 1/3 of opposition voters don't care about this opposition induced anger.

But, with the diligence of a Kady O'Malley bearing down on the truthiness of reality, we are enlightened with a far more accurate and reliable mathematical analysis. This is like magic mixed with journalistic integrity. She used her resourcefulness to track down the full data and shine a light of brilliant mathematical analysis to clearly spell out how this bad news story can be spun into a good news story.

What needs to boldly underlined in bright flashing letters is that the poll was taken before Christmas and asked about what they thought about what might happen. But now that it has happened, all the probability proportions change, the data should be completely different. Generally when people say that they don't care if something happens, what they are really trying to say is that they will be really upset once it happens. And it takes a wise soothsayer like Kady to shine the light of truthiness on the dozens and dozens of CBC fans.

Until we get the new polls that should be radically different now that Ralph Goodale has had a chance to be pissed off and Libby Davies has been boldly battling for hearts and minds; but in the meantime here is some brilliant mathematical analysis of the irrelevant poll numbers to convince you that this is good news for the Liberals. The margin of error is 3.1 percent, but we will completely ignore the inconvenient truth that error rates increase substantially when you break down subsets of data. That would not help sell the story, so it does not exist.

Of the half of people who have an opinion, any opinion, on prorogation more were unhappy than happy. That's fantastic, 34% of Canadians are unhappy. Sure that means 65% either don't care or support it, but no no no, focus on the fact that 60% of 50% are possibly furious, and what that spells is trouble for the Conservative Party! Oh yeah!

It gets even better, the cubed root of the slope of the arctangent opposition supporters suggests that when you subtract the linear sum of the 4th exponent of pie more Liberal voters are against prorogation than the 1/3 who don't care. Furthermore, half of a third of all former Reformers multiplied by the cubed root of the real denominator of sigma is just 3% higher than an eighth of 80% of Bloc voters who were polled on the third day divided by 15.

Finally, when you divide the sum of pie to the exponent 3 by 10 times the square of people who supported the last prorogation, than 25% of the fourth degree of the interpolation of the forecasted trend line in the third order polynomial of the 4th dimension proves that this less popular.

To make a long story short, it doesn't matter that most Canadians don't give a shit, because 80% of the people who supported the Coalition with Stephane Dion as its leader a year ago are slightly agitated that we are paused for a month to host an international event. Now that we have established the plurality of O'Malley's brilliant mathematical analysis, the only conclusion left is that the Prime Minister is in big trouble! That is speculative, but you can't argue with math. It certainly indicates that there is at least a small probability that people might eventually be upset, and we have to assume that such a grass roots movement will happen because Kady wants it and her brain power can melt mountains.

What all this means is that people are going to become more angry about something they originally didn't care about, because Libloggers are circulating e-petitions. That's right, the thoughtful exuberance of the far left are going to create a groundswell of anger that will usher in Coalition 1.5 on an issue that most Canadians could not be bothered with.

I can't hardly wait!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

What About Bob?

I would like to send a message to the senior baggage handlers at the Liberal Party of Canada, and that message is that I need more Bob Rae. I need Bob Rae asking more tough questions more often to a larger audience. In fact, allow me to go so far as to say that I need a "Bob Rae Channel" that is all Bob, all the time. It can be launched concurrently with the Bob Rae radio show and podcast. I want to be able to walk around listening to Bobby show me the way 24 hours daily. It was a sad day when Rasputin stole the PMO from Bob, I cried, and even wandered around despondently in traffic, wondering how on Earth I could buy two tickets to paradise.

When I reminisce into the history, Bob Rae's Ontario, I get goose bumps. That was the best magic carpet ride in the history of Confederation! I was privileged enough to have experienced Heaven on Earth, the massive unemployment, destruction of commerce, and the imposition of an inquisition of civil justice for all. That was my Utopia, that is what I want back, that is what Rasputin stole from me, from Canada! Shame! I want more Bob Rae, such that wherever I am in this crazy crazy world, Bob Rae can be one of the voices in my head. To be able to listen to that sweet melody of Marxism pipe nonstop constant advice into my ears, well my friends there is a word for that, Heaven.

I think The Offspring sang it best.

"I reach to the sky and I call out your name.

It feels like Heaven is so far away!"

Saturday, January 2, 2010

2010; No Election Only Carnage

Let me tell everyone in the country that there will not be an election this year. Democracy has been murdered and thus by definition free and fair elections are extinct like the dodo. How can you have an election when Harper murdered Democracy? No Democracy means no election. What is more likely to happen is that Harper permanently dissolves the Government, with the help of Michaelle Jean, shreds our constitution, and proclaims himself dictator as he uses the military to invade Montreal and Toronto who refuse to bow to his iron fist.

That's what is going to happen. Soldiers with guns in our streets. Coming to a city near you, 2010. Paul Martin and Scott Reid told it us it would happen, and I will have a big heaping plate of "I told you so" when the PMO issues "order 66" and eliminates all the brave Liberal politicians and is forced to invade cities who don't capitulate. This is going to happen. Trust me. I am incapable of being wrong.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Democracy, R.I.P

2009, the year that Democracy died in Canada. Stephen Harper has stolen your vote from you, such that your vote no longer has any meaning. Generally I am against Democracy as a form of selecting a representative government. First, it is difficult to win elections when you declare war on success to reward failure. Second, 75% of the civilian population are idiots and cannot be trusted to choose an individual to represent them in government. Elite left wing scholars such as myself are better positioned to impose our will upon the country because I am smarter than everybody, Bob Rae notwithstanding. That is why we need an unelected Liberal senate to filibuster and alter legislation from elected representatives. All those brave warriors selected by Jean Chretien and not by stupid civilians are thus by definition the people that we should have running both houses of the legislature.

Regardless of my own personal feelings about Democracy, I am outraged that Stephen Harper is destroying it. I can't figure out if I am contradicting myself, so let's just assume I'm not. I am a genius, and by definition can't be wrong about anything ever. I am furious that Stephen Harper is making it more difficult for the unelected senate to combat the legislators elected by idiots. This is not Democracy, this is a dictatorship. I'm not saying that I have a problem with dictatorships, only when someone with whom I disagree is running the country. Robert Mugabe is a magnificent dictator whose vision of land re-distribution was a little bumpy, but necessary. It will pay off in the long term. I love how I can transfer a Canadian dollar into a Zimbabwe dollar to become a billionaire.

Like when Paul Martin cancelled opposition days for a year because it was uncovered that the Liberals had righteously transferred millions of tax dollars into an allegedly fraudulent program; that was okay. We did not want the opposition to table legislation. In that instance, it was permissible to manipulate Democracy for partisan gain. Why? Because it benefited us, and thus is morally righteous. An elected Prime Minister diminishing the obstructionist influence of an unelected body is an outrage, and I don't want to work so I am going to bang on my drum all day!

I will leave you now with a paraphrasation of Nine Inch Nails. Democracy is dead, and no one cares. If there is a Hell, I'll see you there!

Amen brother!

P.S I think I made up two new words in this post, in a game I like to call, fun with suffixes.