Sunday, December 13, 2009

Rules of Engagement

Listen people, I have seen virtually every episode of Law and Order ever produced. This qualifies me as an expert on the Afghanistan detainee file. Also having watched Apocalypse Now 230 times and Platoon 320 times, I have scholarly standing in the nature of warfare. Sure I hardly leave my mother's basement, but I know how war should be handled. I'm an expert.

Anytime any criminal offense takes place in the theatre of war, regardless of the severity, we must cease all hostilities and quarantine the area to do a proper police investigation. Each time someone is shot or hit with a shoe, we must bring in savvy police detectives and a CSI team to collect proper evidence for a civilian trial. If there are any mistakes in the investigative process, Jack McCoy may not be able to secure a conviction. Even if the enemy continues to attack, we must display our moral superiority and cease hostilities under fire.

We must unveil to our enemy what evidence we collected that led to the decision to engage in that offensive. We must grant them complete access to all our intel, all our information collected, all reports from the field, completely unredacted. We must allow experts in warfare such as me and my fellow Liberal Bloggers to read every last page of all our military documents and decisions so that we may publish all that valuable information to the world. We must turn our Armed Forces inside out, and do it now.

I was against this war from the beginning, and therefore if the Taliban is victorious, that validates my initial opinion. Jack Layton and Ujjal Dosangh are the military scholars that I demand be granted complete access to every last piece of paper from every last branch of government that has anything at all to do with Afghanistan. Allow the Liberal Blogosphere to publish and deconstruct everything about our Armed Forces and how we engage in warfare. Someone like me has not been "corrupted" by participating in armed conflict, I am still pure, and have the knowledge and wisdom from a generation of anti-war movies to guide my path to total consciousness.

Give Jack Layton what he wants. I defer all my expertise in the art of warfare to one of the most brilliant military theologians of the modern age. You tell us what we need to know Jack!

And this is why all detainees must be freed.


  1. Marx

    If Jack Layton ever quits you're a shoe in for MP from Toronto/Danforth.


  2. This is the funniest post I've ever read! Your sarcasm really shows through... either that, or you are the most demented person on the internet.

    Please tell me - you're not being serious, are you?!

  3. Hinchey, if you have a store, you are an evil profit seeking capitalist that must be destroyed. How dare you treat the words of the wise prophet of the left wing as a joke?

    I am demented? I know you are, but what am I? BOOM!

  4. Syncro, I appreciate your encouragement, but I am about winning hearts and minds, not for doing real work.

    I support Bob Rae for Prime Minister.

  5. Man, you're hilarious! I gotta come here more often - like whenever I'm feeling down. With all the stuff going on in the world, you sir, are great for a laugh.

    ...sticks and stones...

    Actually, it was my Grandpa's corner store in NL. It closed down almost 10 years ago, I'm just keeping the memory alive!

    Have a great day.

  6. Marx - what are you getting your mom for Christmas? Any $ shops near you?


  7. For Christmas this year I will be giving my mother the honour of me living in her basement.

  8. A left wing police state rates a visit to the vomitorium.

  9. Marx - you are too funny. Too bad you are on the other side. How about getting a job and then walking over to our end.