Thursday, December 17, 2009

If David Suzuki jumped off a bridge, I would not think twice

Listen people, I have heard that the benevolent David Suzuki has upset some people today by comparing climate change to slavery. Calm down, the man is absolutely right. What you have to understand, is that David is not like us mere mortals made of flesh and blood. Suzuki is a Deity that is composed of pure energy and does not inhabit the same plain of existence as filthy carbon producers. Slavery was absolutely the perfect analogy to use. Suzuki does not fart methane, he farts magic.

If David Suzuki jumped off of a bridge, I absolutely would too, without so much as a second thought. If Dr Fantastic jumped into a vat of boiling acid, count me in. Speaking of acid, for a really psychedelic voyage, get really really high and watch Suzuki interviewed by Soloman. I'm not kidding, put your lava lamp on top of the television, burn some candles, punch yourself in the face, and watch. I'm not kidding, Suzuki will literally pop out of your television and hug you.

We are holding Mugabe captive in a criminal kidnapping case that is exactly like slavery. It is even worse than slavery, it is at the precipice of a Holocaust. When virtually all poor people die from cow farts historians will look back on what the wise Mugabe had to say today as the final "let my people go" that was promptly ignored by capitalist pigs. It is not his fault that his land re-distribution plan crashed the national economy and made their money worthless. That is Alberta's fault. Mugabe and Chavez are majestic creatures, ordained upon us by a million years of social evolution.

Get busy trying, or get busy dying. Look, Suzuki is God if ever there was one. Ideally, we would make him President of the world where we could worship him with the honour he deserves. Thank you Suzuki, thank you for showing us the way. Everyone else, just shut up and do what the man says. My two buddies agree with me, this post is therefor peer reviewed and beyond reproach.

1 comment:

  1. "Suzuki does not fart methane, he farts magic."

    Marx - go stand very close to your idol and hope that some of that magic will stick to you.