Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Abolishing Gun Registry Proof Of Stephen Harper's Mercenary Army?

The Canadian Conservatives are destroying the gun registry and all its information, refusing to share the info with provinces who want to start their own registries. This is further evidence that Stephen Harper has a secret mercenary army hidden within the Canadian population and he is abolishing the registry to protect their identities. When the time is right and he has usurped most of the judiciary and civil service, then he will call his army into action, overthrow parliament, declaring himself dictator for life. This is going to happen. Count on it. Nostradamus certainly would have predicted this event in one of his quatrains, we just have to wait for it to happen before we can decipher which prophecy it fits the best with.

The Liberals are trying to raise money when they should be trying to raise an army. That's how you beat Stephen Harper. Bob Rae might be the greatest living human being on earth, but without a guerrilla force, what chance does Canada have? I'll be damned if I have to depart on a Long March to Nunavut.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Block the Sun

I am freaked out about global warming, and I want to start talking about real solutions to this real problem. My inspiration is an old episode of the Simpsons where Mr. Burns blocked out the sun. I think we need to start talking about this tangible solution, and how we can stop global warming by stopping the sun's rays from reaching the planet's surface. What else can we do? The redistribution of wealth is a start, but that real action will not act as fast as blocking the sun from heating our planet any more than it is. We need to cover our continent in a giant tarp. We need to cover Greenland in a very expensive sun reflecting carpet before the civilized world is underwater.

It is a choice made for us by our lack of options. Block the sun!

Friday, March 26, 2010


I am hosting my first bicentennial thinkers conference in my mother's basement this weekend, and already 6 people have showed up! With the swelling attendance at Canada at 200, I can see how the conference in Montreal is struggling for numbers. I will update you on my Thinkapalooza through the weekend, but already we have outlined some major talking points for our gathering.

1) Send all Conservatives to re-education camps

2) More forced contraception in countries we don't like. If we don't agree with the politics of a country, we should try to prevent them from breeding. At the end of the day it is a numbers game.

3) Make oil illegal

4) Free houses for everyone

5) Minimum guaranteed incomes

6) The invention and distribution of teleportation devices

7) Food made of pure energy

8) Make video gaming a federally subsidized career

9) Pension reform, start collecting CP benefits at 30 (or see #8)

10) Make crime legal

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Canada Pension

Last month I submitted my application to begin collecting my Canada Pension, and the government had the audacity to refuse my application for the ridiculous reason that I am 30 years old! Can you believe this shit? You are telling me that we as Canadians do not have the divine right to choose our own age of retirement? If I believe that the few hundred hours I have devoted to the Canadian workforce constitutes a job well done, that is my right. Once my working spirit tells me there's nothing left, there is nothing left. So I'm retired, shouldn't I then have the right to start collecting my pension? I have been paying into it for at least 500 hours! Each one of those hours passed like years. There has to be a law of relativity that can be presented as a mathematical proof that I have endured 500 years of soft labour.

Bob Rae for pension reform!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Canada at 200

Get ready Canada, in just 57 short years our country will be turning 200!!! This is going to be such a huge party that we need to start planning now. Taking my lead from my political superiors, I am going to host a "Canada at 200" thinkers conference in my mother's basement next month. I have already invited dozens of special guest speakers, though I have yet to hear back. My friend Paul the Starbucks barista has confirmed that he will give a speech on income equality. Jesse, our local community organizer has confirmed his speech on population control. Jimmy the exterminator is also expected to give his standard global warming lecture, and I have even convinced him to waive his $100 speaker's fee!

I am really excited! We need to confront the challenges of our times! If you would like to be invited as a guest speaker at "Canada at 200", e-mail progressivemarxist@gmail.com.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Crime should be legal

Look, I am against major crimes, but aside from that I believe everything else should be legal. You should only go to jail for killing people or being a banker. If you put a person in jail, they will only become a worse criminal. Make banking and non unionized businesses illegal, but all other forms of crime should not carry a criminal offense. Otherwise you are only creating worser criminals. Granted, if we could attain a Marxist utopia, crime would cease to exist. My crime bill consists of narrowing the gap between maximum allowed incomes and minimum guaranteed incomes. Nobody should earn more than $70,000 per year or less than $50,00. Do that, and crime will be vanquished and happiness will flourish.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Anarchy: A Love Story

I have spent most of my adult life following the divine prophecies of Michael Moore in his pursuit for a Marxist utopia. But watching the Canadian Anarchy League smash windows in downtown Vancouver, suddenly I am interested in the anarchist way of life. I want to be free of the oppressive police who defy social justice by arresting honest, hard working criminals. I would like the freedom to freely smash windows. I like smashing things. But as a wise man I know that I am not going to be able to transform Canada into a Marxist-Anarchist land of milk and cookies. Therefore I have decided to move to Mogadishu. Real estate prices are phenomenal, all you need to make your mortgage payments is an AK47.

Watching the violent disobedience on TV today made me yearn for anarchy. I am considering changing my name to Anarchist-A-Million.