Friday, January 22, 2010

Children Are Our Future

I have not been writing as much the past two weeks, as I have been busy pounding the pavement with my grassroots protest movements, doing my best to sway public opinion towards the path of righteousness. The wise philosopher Jim Lahey once said "if you plant shit seeds, you get shit weeds." Wednesday I was protesting bottled water at my local convenience store, yesterday I was out at the Farmer's Market protesting the murder of innocent plants, and today I was protesting capitalism at the mall.

In all my travels inspiring grassroots political movements, I have made an observation. The younger a person is, the easier it is to convince them of anything. I remember the time I convinced my nephew that Megatron was waiting outside to take him prisoner, and that kid refused to leave the house for weeks. I know the children are particularly susceptible to our global warming prophecies, especially when you tell them that polar bears are dying and Canada will be buried under a glacier before they turn 30. My convincing conversion percentage gets progressively smaller the older my target. I was unable to convince any adults to join my protest of water, but the young people were easy marks. Just tell them that a dolphin will die for every bottle of water they drink. Sold.

I am proud to see my leftian comrades targeting younger and younger audiences. This is a brilliant move, to sell our agenda to children at an early age when they are easiest to convince. Then once they are sold, they will run around promoting our agenda in schools and malls. By the time they are old enough to know the difference, they have spent so many calories selling the righteous cause that it would embarrassing for them to de-convert. Then there was that time I convinced one of my cousins that the tooth fairy was on a quota system and if he did not make regular monthly deposits, the tooth fairy would come one night in the middle of his sleep and knock one of his teeth out.

Liberals, children truly are our future, but you already knew that, didn't you?

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