Thinkapalooza!

I am hosting my first bicentennial thinkers conference in my mother's basement this weekend, and already 6 people have showed up! With the swelling attendance at Canada at 200, I can see how the conference in Montreal is struggling for numbers. I will update you on my Thinkapalooza through the weekend, but already we have outlined some major talking points for our gathering.

1) Send all Conservatives to re-education camps

2) More forced contraception in countries we don't like. If we don't agree with the politics of a country, we should try to prevent them from breeding. At the end of the day it is a numbers game.

3) Make oil illegal

4) Free houses for everyone

5) Minimum guaranteed incomes

6) The invention and distribution of teleportation devices

7) Food made of pure energy

8) Make video gaming a federally subsidized career

9) Pension reform, start collecting CP benefits at 30 (or see #8)

10) Make crime legal

Canada Pension

Last month I submitted my application to begin collecting my Canada Pension, and the government had the audacity to refuse my application for the ridiculous reason that I am 30 years old! Can you believe this shit? You are telling me that we as Canadians do not have the divine right to choose our own age of retirement? If I believe that the few hundred hours I have devoted to the Canadian workforce constitutes a job well done, that is my right. Once my working spirit tells me there's nothing left, there is nothing left. So I'm retired, shouldn't I then have the right to start collecting my pension? I have been paying into it for at least 500 hours! Each one of those hours passed like years. There has to be a law of relativity that can be presented as a mathematical proof that I have endured 500 years of soft labour.

Bob Rae for pension reform!

Canada at 200

Get ready Canada, in just 57 short years our country will be turning 200!!! This is going to be such a huge party that we need to start planning now. Taking my lead from my political superiors, I am going to host a "Canada at 200" thinkers conference in my mother's basement next month. I have already invited dozens of special guest speakers, though I have yet to hear back. My friend Paul the Starbucks barista has confirmed that he will give a speech on income equality. Jesse, our local community organizer has confirmed his speech on population control. Jimmy the exterminator is also expected to give his standard global warming lecture, and I have even convinced him to waive his $100 speaker's fee!

I am really excited! We need to confront the challenges of our times! If you would like to be invited as a guest speaker at "Canada at 200", e-mail progressivemarxist@gmail.com.

Crime should be legal

Look, I am against major crimes, but aside from that I believe everything else should be legal. You should only go to jail for killing people or being a banker. If you put a person in jail, they will only become a worse criminal. Make banking and non unionized businesses illegal, but all other forms of crime should not carry a criminal offense. Otherwise you are only creating worser criminals. Granted, if we could attain a Marxist utopia, crime would cease to exist. My crime bill consists of narrowing the gap between maximum allowed incomes and minimum guaranteed incomes. Nobody should earn more than $70,000 per year or less than $50,00. Do that, and crime will be vanquished and happiness will flourish.

Anarchy: A Love Story

I have spent most of my adult life following the divine prophecies of Michael Moore in his pursuit for a Marxist utopia. But watching the Canadian Anarchy League smash windows in downtown Vancouver, suddenly I am interested in the anarchist way of life. I want to be free of the oppressive police who defy social justice by arresting honest, hard working criminals. I would like the freedom to freely smash windows. I like smashing things. But as a wise man I know that I am not going to be able to transform Canada into a Marxist-Anarchist land of milk and cookies. Therefore I have decided to move to Mogadishu. Real estate prices are phenomenal, all you need to make your mortgage payments is an AK47.

Watching the violent disobedience on TV today made me yearn for anarchy. I am considering changing my name to Anarchist-A-Million.

Stephen Harper Conquers British Columbia!

All you Canadians will be shocked and disturbed to know that Stephen Harper has subjugated our provincial democracy by conquering our legislature in a bloodless coup! I watched in horror today as Satan addressed our legislature after conquering from within and without, with no remorse for the destruction of democracy that his path of carnage reeks on the province. I don't know what else to say, like PeeWee Herman busted at a porno theatre. Prime Ministers should not be allowed to address provincial legislatures, because doing so erodes democracy and destroys the public trust in our federal government. Why hasn't the mainstream media covered the overthrow of our sovereignty? It doesn't make any sense. If this is truly the first time a Prime Minister has addressed our legislature, that should be a canary on the coal mine indicator that Harper is truly Emporor Palpatine.

Abortion

I have long been an advocate for Liberalized abortion. Not only should abortion be legal up to and including birth, parents should retain the right to terminate their children up to 30 years after birth. If your child is 17 years old and you think that they might become a capitalist, it is time for a mulligan. Basically there are way too many people on this planet, and we need to start knocking more people off our island. By my calculations, this planet can comfortably hold a billion people. That means that over 5 billion have to go, or people will die. We need to start taking lives in order to save lives, and abortion is as great a vehicle as any to start the process.